Surfing

Every now and then something happens that puts your brain into tilt mode.

Today I realized that I'm not anywhere near whole. I've been working on my relationship with food for a year now, and even though I think I'm surfing along just fine, I'm actually being tossed around in the curl frantically trying to figure out which way is up. I'm not grounded enough or sure enough of myself to be able to ride the waves with ease.

I'm sad today, and I turned to food for comfort. I knew that the end of my potential romance was near, and in fact I welcomed the finality of it because it was going nowhere, but I still took the end of it as rejection, and it hurts. To make matters worse, I turned to crappy food for solace. So what good does eating microwaved canned imitation cheese poured over cold tortilla chips do to help? I looked at the Styrofoam container about halfway through and realized that the nachos weren't making me feel better and didn't even taste good to boot, so I tossed the rest.

In the past that wouldn't have even crossed my mind. I guess I have to chalk that one up as a win, and write this whole romance episode off as a lesson in priorities. I need to be as important in someone elses life as I am in my own, and I need to stop letting other people effect my emotions.

Could someone please press the reset button?

Is it too early to make New Year's Resolutions???

It completely freaking amazes me that next year will be my fiftieth year on this planet.

I suppose that I should be grateful to have gotten this far with only minor screw ups along the way, but instead I feel impatient with myself. I can't believe that I've gone this long waiting to live the life I wanted. I can't believe that I've gone this long without making choices that are life sustaining. I can't believe that I was suckered into believing everyone else's opinions were more important than mine. I also can't believe that I didn't believe in myself more.

Having said all that, I can say that I truly do believe that the changes that I've made in my life are starting to take hold. Here is where the impatience kicks in... I want my life to be different NOW!

In the last year I've permanently lost 45 pounds, I've increased my lean body mass by 25 pounds, I've lowered my A1C to near-normal levels, raised my HDL, lowered my LDL, and completed (slowly, but completed) TWO half-marathons! But I want to be able to run the half marathons, I want to shop in the normal girls clothing stores, I want to have fun with my life.

Hence this blog, and here's the plan: Just two pounds a week, for fifty-two weeks, and I'll have given myself the gift of losing over 100 pounds for my fiftieth birthday in January, 2011. I'll still have 35 pounds to go to get to my "optimum" weight, but 2 pounds a week is doable.

I'm going to lose this weight and get into better shape while having the most fun possible. I'm going to continue to enter the Rock 'N' Roll Half Marathons all over the country, learn how to ride a bike, and work on my swimming technique (ha! I have no technique!) with the intention of completing a triathlon in 2011. I'm also going to start dancing again, even if I have to do it alone. I'm going to complete the Bay to Breakers this year, conquering Hayes Street hill in the process.

Definition: ex·u·ber·ant (adj.)
Full of unrestrained enthusiasm or joy.
Lavish; extravagant.
Extreme in degree, size, or extent.
Growing, producing, or produced abundantly; plentiful:

This is my year of living exuberantly. This is the year that I will put myself and my needs before the needs of others. This is the year that I will take the time I need to nurture myself. When I can accomplish that, everyone around me will reap the benefits of my success. I will be a happier person.

Peace