Thursday, May 20, 2010

Isn't it the truth?

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” ~ Neil Gaiman

I read this quote tonight by accident. I wasn't looking for it, but it popped up on the screen while I was surfing around being nosy on Facebook and slapped me in the face. And it wasn't a gentle slap, it was one of those sharp stinging slaps that leave a stinging palm print and giant red mark long after you think you should have recuperated from the insult of it.

I've been a bit on the restless side for the last few days. Ok, that's an understatement. I've been in what I used to call a "Froggy's" mood... ready to go out, drink, dance, get wild, and be slightly reckless with my emotions. I've pondered going out on the town, but going out here in Vegas has it's own complications. Anyhow, when I read this quote I started to understand just a bit of what I'm going through.

I've gone out on a few dates recently. A couple of them were with a man who I really felt a connection to. That protective armor that I had built up around me started to come apart at the seams as I got to know him. That scared me, and with good reason, because after a couple of dates he stopped calling. I wasn't expecting "happily ever after", but I was expecting to be treated differently. My reaction to the rejection? Food and this nagging feeling of emptiness which is SO unfounded!! Eating, drinking, and carrying on in a reckless manner hasn't worked for me before, why would I think it would make me feel any better now??

Time for a long bike ride... I hope it's not very windy tomorrow morning!

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